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Happy Birthday to me, today I am 45 years young and I really don’t consider out of my late 30’s. I never work on my birthday, I made the mistake of doing that last year after many years of taking it as holiday and I didn’t like it. So today I have been painting my day away, watching good tv and chilling out, and it has been a pleasant day.

My whole ethos for this year is Harmony which just in the first 2 weeks has been a real challenge, so I have taken small steps one journal page a week, gentle exercise every day that I can improve upon as the days and weeks go by instead of trying too hard at the beginning, failing and giving up.

So my first completed journal page is below, and it is sometime how I feel that is it raining life, everything coming down on me all at once. Mostly this tends to be work and as much as I try to let it go when you are there over 8 hours a day it is extremely hard.

Raining Life

Really enjoyed using my new Dylusions paints, lovely consistency and go beautifully with the distress paints and sprays. I just love the depth of colour that can be achieved through layering these products, with this in mind I thought I would have a go at painting some clay butterflies I made for my white tree.

White Tree 1

This is just the start and these were the only ones I had ready to paint, I like the look bright and sunny.

Pink Butterfly

Yellow Butterfly

Orange Butterfly

Green Butterfly

And I have started a new journal page  for this week, just loving the colours so rich

New Inspiration

So from doing no art to a fair amount over the last couple of weeks it feels really good to get back into my life again, get some work life balance.

Wishing you a great evening.

Clairester xx

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Time

Another challenging week finished with, worked far too many hours and am more stressed than I have been for years.

So it leads me to thinking about my ethics, I was put in a position of being responsible for a project due to go live 2 weeks later no handover, and it was made clear it was on my head to make it all work. In an ideal world you would turn around and refuse, say it is unacceptable but in today’s work place you have to suck it up when you are in a new job.

So I worked all hours to make the project as successful as I could, now that is just the way I am. The downside is that I didn’t feel particularly well appreciated and that is my issue, I don’t really know what is suitable or how my Managers should deal with it but I did feel there was a little playing one off against the other. So I am not very happy about the way I feel and to be honest not sure what to do about it or how to handle it.

The only good thing was a gift from my Mum, made me cry was so touched after such a crappy time.

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Along with all of this I am having to confront the fact that I am in my 40’s and that my body is going to act differently and go through changes. All this adds to the stress and pressure I have been under, which obviously has affected my sleeping. So in all not a fun time, I have struggled to paint due to getting home late in the evening so It was such a joy so take some time this weekend to journal.

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Already we are nearly halfway through February and it just feels like time is rushing by, all the days turning into bubbles filled with memories. I had wanted to savour the time and I feel panicked instead….

That is all for tonight and I hope to resume normal service this week.

Clairester
Xx

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Finally we are here, I struggle with the end of the year I just want it over with and yay we are in 2014. I don’t celebrate New Years eve, mostly because I have never really had a drama free night, it always ends up someone upset of some sort so I normally spend it watching movies and such.

Last night I made my first journal, it was really hard work but very rewarding.

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I got to choose the paper which means I get the journal I wanted, now to decorating the cover.

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This is just the start, next to begin a journal page shame it is work tomorrow ah well will just have to wait until tomorrow night. Life begins again and so does my avid journaling, I have really missed it and I am also really looking forward to resuming my diet and fitness regime.

I have ordered some fitness equipment once it arrives I will let you know what it is, bit different from the norm. I can’t wait to start walking home again and to get that feeling of getting fit, body shape changing and feeling better. This is my year for focusing on me, and the word I have chosen for 2014 is INVITE, sums up what I want from this year.

So I wish you lots of amazing adventures for 2014, let’s make it a wonderful year.

Clairester
Xx

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Goodness this has been an overwhelming weekend, spent all if it with Chris, the guy I am dating. I have had such fun being in his company, up talking till 3am, cooking together and introduction to role play gaming, no computers. Seems to be going well, we just do click after 3 weeks if anything I guess he is still very closed off and whilst he is very affectionate I am not really sure how he feels about me.

I think I have found that I don’t just need someone to tell me but I need to be shown because I struggle to believe it or trust, I know these are my issues to deal with. I appreciate that this is early on and we don’t know if this is relationship material or friendship but it is difficult when someone is so guarded, I want to know more about him but the walls go up the moment the topic comes up.

The thing is that this is common for me to meet men at this stage, closed off which means the onus is on me to persevere or give up, instead of them trying to meet even a quarter of the way. I know it is scary but you miss out on so much when you don’t allow feelings to come out. I don’t know I always avoided dating because my anxiety doesn’t lend itself to the unknown, second guessing. I am trying to just take each day at a time but it us hard when you really are not sure, I am too honest for my own good.

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It is sad that your insecurities have to rear there head causing trouble but I do believe it us better to leap and experience than not, ‘what ifs’ are not pleasant and love and hurt are part of life. For now I will try to take each day as it comes and be grateful that he is in my life, no pressures just 2 people getting to know each other and sharing as much as they can.

He inspires me to do more, do better, learn and take leaps of faith if nothing else he has changed a part of my life and I am grateful for that.

Sending you warm Sunday wishes

Clairester
Xx

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So this weekend has been busy and strange. Busy as it is my last weekend before my weeks holiday so had stuff to get done. Baked, tried out a fat free banana loaf recipe with chocolate chips, half in the freezer for an after holiday treat.

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                                                       Very yummy and not too sweet!

I also made my final purchase for the month, had to be done half price and I have always wanted one, a Kipling backpack with a free lunchbox. Which I love!

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Life has been moving along, I have been taking each day as it comes, not really looking forward as it causes me too much pain and worry. For now that is working for me and is relatively easy to do, I have plans in my diary but I don’t have to dwell or worry about them.

Along with that it has meant that I have started to pack my emotions away, not all but some of them mostly the ones that hurt. It is like they are draining away, and I am trying to stop from packing them all into a box to protect myself, if I feel scared I want to run and hide.

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This time I want my life to be different, better, I want to experience more, do more and learn from this. I am a good person who deserves happiness and love, I also should have people in my life who want that for me.

Have a lovely evening!

Clairester
Xx

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