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So what have I been up to, well to help with my anxiety, organising myself and keep track of my life I have started using well originally a Filofax. It focusses my mind and helps me plan better thus keeping some of my worries at bay. I was lucky enough a while ago to order a Kikki K planner from Australia, and it is beautiful.

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Ocean blue with gold dots in leather, I love this type of closure means you can fit more inside. Normally I am a purple girl but I fancied something different and it reminds me of the sea. I love being creative with my diary and it pleases me do something small towards being artistic.

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As much as I like technology I miss writing, I don’t get the same thrill from adding an appointment to my phone and at the moment I have quite a lot of upheaval going on so to be able to order the mind no matter how small is just what is required.

I found out last week that our department is under review for redundancy so none of our jobs are safe and we won’t find anything out till 1st June. My year started out amazing with 2 wonderful holidays and since I have been back I have had challenge after challenge, I just hope I can get through this with my sanity intact.

Wishing you well this evening

Clairester x

 

 

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Good Morning World

It has been just over a month since my last post, as you can imagine I needed some time to process what had happened. I would not say I am out the other side but I have moved past the anger into acceptance and understanding that if he was ‘the one’ we would still be together and he wouldn’t have walked away. I will always believe it is his loss that he didn’t try to talk to me but accept it was his decision and he will have to live with that.

I am reading a heartbreak self help book just to keep me moving and not dwelling on what can never be and also to keep from over blaming myself for what happened. I will post some more on this later.

Now I get to look forward to the rest of the year as a blank slate and decide what I want to do, where I want to go and how I want to live my life.

Best Foot Forward

As I had posed earlier I was cutting sugar out, I eased up a little during the break up but didn’t go mad and I am now back on track for the last 7 days and I do feel good. My moods don’t swing so wildly, and I am going for a walk in the evening to start getting fit and rebuild my confidence.

So my first project has been to sort clutter from my flat, move things around, make it look different so it lessens any memories from “before”. Boy it felt good and extremely cathartic throwing stuff away and I totally believe it has helped me with moving on and coming to terms with being single again.

Art table has been cleared ready to start art journaling, painting and crafting again, I seemed to lose myself a little in this relationship now I am getting back to being me. So I plan to be very busy over the coming months sharing new projects and living a little more adventurously.

See you soon

Clairester x

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My Broken Heart

Sorry I haven’t been back on for the last 2 weeks had some personal things going on along with a job change.

So I find myself single after nearly a year dating the most amazing man, unfortunately issues with my anxiety arose which drove a wedge between us so it has ended. I am heart broken as I truly loved him, however something was definitely off this year and our holiday a few weeks ago was a challenge as we were both stressed out. He was angry with me a lot which is not right so whilst I am very upset at the ending of our relationship, I kinda know it is the right thing for us to do so that we can remember the good times.

What I take away from this relationship was that I met an utterly handsome gentleman who totally wooed me, we fell in love and for 11 months had so much fun together and don’t bear each other any ill will now that it has ended. We still love each other and I think it is the best you can hope for there being no blame on either side and that you have good memories to hold onto.

Now there is the option for us to be friends, he is going away to help clear his head and give us both some space so I have to decide if I want to remain friends with him, difficult choice I think. I know that he believes in me and wants the best for me, I just don’t want to get confused with my feelings I think if we do we would have to go slow.

So not much art has been done as stress doesn’t make me very creative.

Hug each other tight tonight,

Clairester

xxxx

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And I liked it alot.

Been an age since I last blogged, sadly the work/ life balance just became work, no life really in the 2 weeks leading up to Easter early mornings and late nights. I hate that it is really hard to create when I am so worn out or have no energy.

Luckily I have this week off so apart from catching up with chores I am painting up a storm and it feels good, I have really missed the creative outlet as I know how much it settles my mind, takes away anxiety and nurtures my soul. As you are already aware I paint from my heart, what I feel at that moment which is why I tend to do them quickly otherwise when the feeling dissipates it is a struggle to finish. With that in mind thus feeling has lasted several days so thus us what I created.

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So yes this is quite different for me, well at the beginning of April I got an offer for online dating so I decided to give it a go for a month. I wrote a honest bio for the first time and within a few days start chatting to a lovely guy. The emails were interesting about who he is, asking me about stuff in my bio and he was funny. Naturally it then progressed to talking on the phone, oh my so much laughter and we talked about everything. So last week he says we should meet, which for me is the hardest part I don’t consider myself attractive so it tends to be make or break.

Saturday was the date, we spent just short of 8 hours together which I think is long for a date, and it was the perfect day. Now I have never really dated, fallen into relationships, met odd men but never treated the way i was on Saturday. We got on really well, it was just easy as he was so kind and caring, by the end we were holding hands and he was very much the gentleman. Since then he has been sweet and honest, my normal reaction is to question, get anxious and control and instead I am going with the flow allowing myself to feel this way and enjoying how this feels.

Personality wise we fit, silences (if any) are reflective and calming, he is crazy handsome and a lot of fun and it all right now, in this moment feels right. I think dating when you are older (40’s) means you have a better perspective on what doesn’t work for you making it easier to spot what does. I am well aware that things change, as do feelings but I am trying to be the artistic, happy clever me not the one filled with anxiety who doubts everything ruins it then say I’ll never find anyone.

As a rule this doesn’t happen to me so I am happy to join this ride for as long as it makes me happy and our second date is tomorrow. Nice little line of anxiety going tonight that he will see me a second time and change his mind, totally irrational of course and if that did happen then he is not worth it, this I know….doesn’t help!

Anyway goodnight to you all

Clairester
Xx

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Change is coming, I am terrible at accepting change when it is imposed on me, this time the change is coming from within. The last six months have been amazing as well as extremely difficult, stressful and confusing, this being so I have lost sight of one of my goals which was to continue getting healthy and losing weight. This is for me as I have not felt happy in my own skin for years and used it to punish myself for past wrongs.

So last week was the start of walking home from work (about 3 miles) every day and working out with my body blade, I was successful even when I was leaving an hour late from work. Lots of healthy eating and fruit, which will continue into next week and beyond. It is sad that in today’s world I cannot be accepted for who I am, it is one thing to be fat and a second problem to be different personality wise it is almost like a double whammy.

Even though you would think geeks would be attracted to each other it is not always the case, it seems a lot of men are holding out for their idealised poster girl which I am not in the running for. Don’t get me wrong I am not looking to get married (already been there) I really just want to share parts of my life with someone special who gets me and I want to be in love and be loved back (I am the queen of unrequited love!!).

I do like even sometimes love who I am, the strangeness of all my pursuits which all get thrown into the melting pot of making me totally unique and different. It feels sad to be 43 and to not have know kind, happy love, in the past I have been naive and easily manipulated, emotionally controlled and abused. I feel like it is not much to ask for, I do feel lonely for love and I would hate to think that it has passed me by.

So I am changing my outlook on life and actively looking for someone, however scary that might be and putting myself out in the world and seeing what gets thrown back.

Fingers crossed for some luck coming my way….

Clairester
Xx

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Selfie Art

I have never been particularly photogenic, there is a gap in photo’s when I was growing up where I refused to be in them. Now we are the culture of taking photos and taking ones of ourselves, out and about, no make up (God forbid) and worse!!

So I tried today, sun was out and well this is what I got, I guess I am biased because I hate photo’s of myself and tend to use the same couple over and over. I haven’t photo shopped them, so this is me in all my glory.

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You may ask why take a photo of yourself if you will always be critical of how you look well if I wanted to date online this is kinda required, so it is about getting used to how I look.  Yes I look in the mirror, I style my hair, put make up on but I really don’t know what I look like, I only know who I am inside, what I think and feel and to be judged on my appearance feels unnerving. Yes I could try the old fashioned way which is what in today’s society meet someone in a club not when I am in my 40’s.

I haven’t decided to go all out but I will later this year when I am felling better about life. I think where I have felt unwell, gotten run down and having hay fever has left me unhappy, miserable and unattractive. So for now I am looking after me, working on my art and doing lots of reading because right now I feel trapped in my life, I am not living the life I want but I am unsure how to get there so I am starting slowly to work out what I want and how to get it.

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So that is me today, who knows how I will feel in a couple of days.

Clairester
Xx

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Bit of a slow craft day, had a new idea, yep another project!! To make some jewellery, I was looking for a new necklace and could not see anything I liked, so why not make my own. Over the years I have collected a small supply of beads and such so I will be trying to crochet a necklace much like the one below

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I have ordered the thread and a small crochet hook, so this will be my project for this weekend, really can’t wait. I had a practice with some wool and it was quite easy, I found a tutorial on YouTube. When I have finished one I will post the whole lot plus links, hopefully at the weekend.

Lovely shopping day tomorrow……and no work so relaxing!

Clairester
Xx

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